Longing for Home

April 16, 2007 ─The day I left home. I was just 15 years old that time when I traveled to Iloilo which is very very far away from Zamboanga Sibugay, my home place. It took me a lot of guts to be this far from my family whom I stayed with for all my life.

533 days, 14 hours and 56 minutes had passed-from the moment I spread my own wings and wander away from my parent's security and guidance and until now that I am writing this piece of article. Though it was almost 2 years ago, I cannot shun remembering my past and how it made me evolve into the "James" now.

"Dodong! Mata na dira! Udto na!" (Dodong, wake up! It's late now!) (Dodong is a Cebuano term used to call young boys.)

Hmmp? It sounds familiar to me.

Well . . . How could I ever forget these lines? This is the wake up call of my mother everyday most especially during school days that school hour starts at seven in the morning. But before we can go to school, we should make sure that all the dishes are well-washed. (Including those unwashed last night) That is why my sister and I are always late in going to school. This 'wake up call' had been a routine for 10 years (since Grade 1 until our 4th High School).

And when we arrive home from school, we are back to household choirs- fetch waters (This should be done quickly because water supply is scheduled and will be turned off automatically at 6 in the evening), cook food for dinner and do the packaging of the bread. After all is done, we can now open our notebooks and do the homework.

But when the clock hits ten in the evening, the four of us (my siblings and I) should go to sleep. No one can stay awake (or even study) beyond it.

College life is really different. Ten in the evening for me is very (very much) early to sleep. (Yet, my family is not aware of what I have been doing now.) I will be so lucky if I can sleep for three to four hours a day. Sometimes, I do no have sleep at all (even a nap). I miss those loud shouts of my mother saying “Tulog na mo! Gabie na! Dili lagi magbilar ba!” (Sleep now! It’s late already. I told you not to get stress!)

And when the four of us are in bed already, I sometimes go outside to urinate. I can still hear noise coming from the bakery. I took some glimpse. I saw mamang and papang still working and baking there. I felt there hardships. It’s very heavy ‘na kahit ako hindi ko kaya’. I like to shout ‘Mang, pang, tama na na. Gabie na! Ayaw pagbilar!’ but I know that they are only doing those for us, their siblings. I promised to myself that in the near future, they won’t be doing those things again. ‘Mark my words’.

But though the light is off, we still do talking with my siblings (Since because the six of us, together with my parents have only one bed). ‘Nakakamis talaga yung magkakasama kaming pamilya sa isang tulugan’ ─ I often think before going to sleep. I remember that we sometimes argue with my younger siblings who will sleep beside mamang and papang. There are also times that one of us would cry because of it. That is why I always pray for sickness (preferably fever) just to sleep beside mamang,

And when I get sick, I saw one time mamang crying. We did not have money to buy for my medicine. I heard ‘Joy (my older sister), agto ila Taning (name of the owner of a store). Pangutang anay ug Biogesic para kay Dodong’. (Joy, go to Taning’s Store. Buy paracetamol on credits for now.)

Tears fell from my eyes. My aim to be my mamang’s arms turned into repentance. I blamed myself (And still keep on blaming now for some other reasons). My pragmatism brought mess and sorrow to me. ‘I hate myself. I am evil. I am selfish’. These are the phrases I keep on thinking whenever I saw my parents having troubles because of me. ‘These should not happen’, I said, and declare, now that papang and mamang are becoming senile; mamang has goiter and papang has some kidney problems. I should not add to there personal burdens, but, should be the one who will help take the burdens away.

Now, right this moment, I am totally unaware on what is/are happening at home. Are they taking right meals at right time? Is my sister safe in travelling to school? Are my younger doing good in their studies? Are mamang and papang fine? Aren’t they sick? I cannot manifest how much I wanted to go back home to check if they are really fine; to, at least, lighten my worries,

I will really miss on how my parents disciplined me. I had received some physical means of discipline (but most are oral). I already understand why they are doing those things. And I am proud of them of disciplining me those ways. I have grown the way I should ─ strong and invulnerable, yet conservative and sensitive; pragmatic and practical, yet critical and rational.

Hhaaayyyy . . . How I wish I could go back to those moments. But I know I can’t. Those moments will be part of my past . . .

my history . . .

my experience . . .

my REALITY . . .

my EXTRAORDINARY LIFE . . . ☺